What is a monogamous relationship? It’s pretty simple, right? Being in a committed relationship with only one person.
And while the definition of monogamy is rooted in spending your life essentially with one person and never exploring beyond the boundaries of the relationship, things have certainly changed in the current romantic landscape.
In fact, monogamy, like other relationship equations, has updated its boundaries as long as the core principle of exclusivity is retained. Confused? Don’t worry, I have delved deep into the current workings of a monogamous relationship – exploring how it works, how it’s different from ethical non-monogamy, and more importantly, whether it’s right for you or not.
Stay tuned.
What Is A Monogamous Relationship?
Monogamy does appear to be a simple concept. Why? Because so many people think of it as the act of being in a committed relationship with one person. But is that really all of it?
Of course, with a background in English lit, checking Merriam-Webster for the official definition of almost anything is normal. And in this case, I did the same.
As per Merriam-Webster, “monogamy is the state or practice of only having one sexual partner at one time, and/or only being married to one person at one time.”
And this is true – in its essence, monogamy is all about being with one partner at a time.
In this context, Liam Barnett, the founder of DatingZest and a relationship expert, explained monogamy in detail to Brides.com:
“A monogamous relationship is a romantic connection between two people who promise emotional and sexual exclusivity to one another. [Historically], monogamy is sticking with one partner during your whole life. However, the contemporary dating world has adapted the term to represent relationships that include only two partners as long as the relationship lasts.”
So, this means we might not be with someone for our whole lives, but the point is to have only one partner at any given time.
The Primary Values Of A Monogamous Relationship:
Like most healthy relationships, a monogamous relationship also requires both partners to communicate, be honest, and respect each other.
The fundamental values of a healthy and successful monogamous relationship are clear communication, empathy, compassion, and trust.
Having said that, if you think that your partner fails to share such values, then it might be time to have a serious discussion about the future of the relationship. More importantly, discuss if it is worth your time and energy.
Monogamy Vs. Non-Monogamy:
So, you didn’t know what is a monogamous relationship is and, more importantly, what does it entails.
Naturally, it means that you should try to understand what polyamory and non-monogamy are all about. When an individual practices polyamory and non-monogamy, it means they are honest and open about having multiple romantic or sexual partners.
This is also known as ethical non-monogamy or open relationship/marriage. The addition of ‘ethical’ to non-monogamy signifies the crucial role of communication and consent in such relationships.
In addition, polyamory shared some similarities with non-monogamy since it is also about two people committed to each other opening their relationship or marriage to external experiences.
So, the people in the relationship consensually seek love and sex with multiple partners outside their long-term relationship or marriage.
Monogamy Vs Polyamory:
These two types of relationships are very different from each other and come with their own set of benefits and drawbacks.
So, monogamy has the support of religion, society, and government in most places across the globe. For instance, the U.S government (including all 50 American states) requires marriages to be monogamous.
For many couples, being monogamous makes them feel secure. However, some people in monogamous relationships feel the need to explore beyond the boundaries of monogamy. They might get bored being with someone and even face difficulties staying faithful.
In contrast, polyamory promises plenty of freedom to explore more. Yes! With multiple partners, your relationship needs will get met easily. Having said that, it is also true that polyamorous relationships tend to get more complicated.
Problems of insecurity and jealousy might be trickier to deal with and even resolve. Also, polyamory carries plenty of social stigma that leads to discrimination for the people involved in their daily lives.
Polyamory Vs Polygamy:
Polyamory is about having multiple romantic or sexual partners, while Polygamy is about having multiple spouses.
To make matters easier to understand, polygamy is also of two types:
- Polygyny: when a man marries more than one woman, and ends up with multiple spouses.
- Polyandry: when a woman marries more than one man, and ends up with multiple spouses.
In this context, please note that both types of polygamy are not considered legal in the United States.
Myths About Polyamory:
The most common misconceptions (and myths) about polyamory include:
- Polyamory is cheating.
- Polyamorous individuals fear commitment and have avoidant attachment styles.
- Polyamorous individuals do not get jealous.
- Polyamorous relationships lack true intimacy.
- Polyamorous individuals enjoy having lots of sex.
- Parents with multiple partners cannot raise healthy children.
How Do Monogamous Relationships Work
To be in a monogamous relationship, the two people in the relationship must discuss their needs, boundaries, preferences, and feelings thoroughly. Moreover, they should also agree mutually on what is permitted beyond the limits of the relationship.
For example, you might agree that chatting, texting, flirting, and even stepping on dates with others are permitted. Also, it is possible that you want to explore intimacy with a different person together.
Additionally, the two people in the relationship can also discuss what activities and kinds of intimacy will not be permitted, that is, off-limits.
For example, you can both agree on sexual intimacy with others but not on spending the night, or dating someone casually, but to ensure there is no physical intimacy.
Of course, essentially, most monogamous relationships involve two people in a romantic equation where doing anything with anyone else is called cheating.
For instance, I’ve been dating someone for nearly 7 years. We are entirely monogamous; that is, exploring physical and emotional intimacy outside the relationship is off-limits.
And not just that, for us, even casual encounters are off-limits. Rather, it is about committing only to each other and growing together.
It is crucial to remember in this context that monogamous relationships are the kind of arrangement that makes the committed couple a priority, and not just that, it also honors what the couple mutually agrees on.
Signs Your Monogamous Relationship Is Not Working Out:
While a monogamous relationship is the only thing you know, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship will work out.
At times, it becomes very clear from the beginning that monogamy isn’t really working for you. And other times, it might even take years before you can accept the truth: monogamy might just not be for you.
But when you think back, you will see that the red flags were always there. On that note, here are the top signs that indicate your monogamous relationship might not be working out:
- One partner (or both) strongly feels the need to explore outside the relationship.
- One partner (or both) has cheated.
- The couple fails to agree on mutual boundaries for the relationship.
- One partner (or both) is unbothered by the idea of the other engaging in sexual activities with someone else.
- One partner (or both) feels trapped or limited.
Mostly, these are problems that you can resolve – sometimes alone, but sometimes with help. However, they can all point out something else as well – the idea that you might need to change.
Is Monogamy Right For You?
Since we reside in a world where monogamy is considered to be normal, you might have never even given non-monogamy a thought. Think about it: do you want to practice monogamy?
In this context, it is also crucial to remember that you deserve to have a relationship that is safe and comfortable.
Of course, it is completely fine to think of monogamy as the only option on your plate – but at the same time, it is absolutely okay to experience curiosity about ethical non-monogamy.
As you are determining whether monogamous relationships are right for you, just think about your needs from any romantic and sexual partnership. Moreover, take your values into consideration – what is important to you?
When you are honest and transparent with your partner, you can make communication a priority – that way, you will set up the relationship for happiness and success, no matter the type of relationship you decide to be in.
