The dating landscape looks very different from how it looked a decade or so ago – tbh, even five years ago, dating was very different from what it is today. The world has certainly evolved, and I don’t think any of us could have imagined how things are now.
In spite of these sweeping cultural and societal shifts, how much has dating really evolved? And I ain’t the only one asking this question.
Brian Ogolsky, a professional questions researcher, and his team explored the topic in depth; the study was published on January 2o25 in Personal Relationships.
The significant impact of social media, the rising popularity of dating apps, and society’s ever-changing perspective towards love – taking all of them into account, you can only expect the dating culture to be in a continuous state of evolution.
As per the study, it was found that there are four distinctive stages of dating that actually define how modern relationships work, or rather, typically unfold. And interestingly, they are not very different from how relationships used to look in the past.
Yeah, I was pleasantly surprised – and you will be as well, once you go through these stages of dating and modern love in detail.
Stay tuned.
Why Is It Important To Understand Stages Of Dating?
Just imagine that you are playing some game with each level in the game presenting different obstacles and rising difficulty. A romantic relationship is exactly like that.
TBH, different challenges usually manifest at every stage. Moreover, considering the ambiguity of current romances, knowing what you can expect will help you manage things better. Plus, it can reduce your overthinking and anxiety.
By having an understanding of the different stages of modern dating, you can approach this from a very realistic perspective. For instance, when you are handling conflict, your emotional investment in a committed relationship will be different from that of a casual relationship.
Also, it is vital to note that everyone usually relates to love and dating differently. While for many, it is a care-free and fun experience, it can evoke feelings of insecurity and fear in others.
Moreover, once you add modern technology to the experience, it becomes all about filtered images and quick swipes – this can lead to more anxiety in modern relationships.
As a result, with the right understanding of the different stages of modern love and dating, people can actually reduce overthinking and focus on the different aspects of a relationship, as emphasized at every stage.
What Are The 4 Stages Of Dating?
Ogolsky, along with his team, did something fun – they examined the love lives of college students.
But there’s the twist – college students, but a decade apart! For the study, they compared the love lives of 133 students from the batch of 2022 and 126 students from the batch of 2012.
The survey focused on only one open-ended question: “Describe, in order, what you believe are the phases of a typical romantic relationship.”
Based on the many interviews, Ogolsky and his team defined the four main stages of dating. The best part? The stages appear to be organic and intuitive despite the evolving nature of society and the rising popularity of technology.
On that note, let’s go through each stage in some detail.
Stage One: ‘Flirtationship’ A.K.A The Courting Stage
Interestingly, after comparing answers from both groups of participants, a similar pattern emerged in both 2022 and 2012. Unanimously, the first stage was something that Ogolsky called ‘flirtationship.’ All the participants described this stage in similar ways.
While one student described this stage as one where two people seek “common interests which will be the base of the relationship,” another described it as getting “attracted to what the other looks like and wanting to know more.”
Perhaps, the best description was of a student who said, “One of you has expressed blatant or intended interest. You know you like each other, and this is where it ends if one doesn’t reciprocate flirtation.”
My Two Cents:
Despite how technology has impacted modern dating – and especially how people meet and engage – the essence hasn’t changed. A fancy survey might call it a flirtationship, and I might call it the courtship period, while you might call it the talking stage – but the essence? Same.
This is probably because when you form any romantic relationship, analyzing compatibility is vital, if not foundational.
Moreover, before we decide to attach, we must take a pause and observe – and this stage is exactly about that! This is the stage where we pay attention to all the smallest of cues and send out a few signals in response. TBH, it’s anything new – and no swipe-based algorithm can eliminate it.
While digital communication and apps have created specific new avenues for courtship, they have not been able to eliminate the vulnerability and uncertainty that accompany it. In fact, so many participants in both 2022 and 2012 noted that this phase also unfolds online.
You might exchange memes, chat for weeks, and build anticipation. But at the same time, you need to also consider whether it’s a mutual attraction or whether it will ever translate to something real offline.
Also, it is basic human nature to test whether the attraction is something worth your time and effort. The packaging might have transformed. But the psychology of it? Hasn’t.
Stage Two: Relationship Potential A.K.A The ‘Will They/Won’t They’ Stage
Research professionals is called the second stage of dating, ‘relationship potential.’ As this name suggests, the different participants described the second stage as an exploration stage, specifically when it comes to romantic compatibility.
For example, one participant described this stage of dating as “spending time together/dating.” Another participant also described in similar words, saying, “meeting and going to places together to learn more about each other.”
TBH, I was reading about this in Forbes blog on the same, and the writer talked about one description that he found as the most striking: “Things get a bit more serious, you want to get a bit more romantic and go out on dates. This could be one to two dates every few weeks with a few lunch dates in between.”
My Two Cents:
The ‘will they/won’t they’ stage is all about moving from liking someone to wanting to understand and know someone better. There is still some amount of ambiguity – the standard potential for things to just fizzle out, but with additional effort.
Moreover, it is about having deep conversations, going on dates, and mentally placing this special someone in your life.
In this context, what is notable is that even in a world where instant gratification and casual encounters are readily available, people still tend to seek a slow, evaluative space.
The primary effort to know someone better – it’s not an automated need, it is not something that you can outsource.
While dating apps and social media can facilitate contact, they haven’t been able to replace the human experience of building trust in a relationship. Of course, we can connect quickly, thanks to technology.
Also Check: Nanoships: Is Tinder’s New Dating Trend Glorifying Escapism?
Stage Three: In A Relationship A.K.A The ‘We-Are-All-In’ Stage
The third stage of dating is called romantic progression – both in 2012 and 2022 – and it’s defined by a single word: exclusivity.
For all the participants, this stage largely encompasses a sense of making the relationship official. For one student, this phase is the stage where both parties in the relationship start “labeling one’s relationship status as ‘in a relationship’ with a partner.”
Similarly, another student noted that in this stage of dating, “flirting or hooking up with someone else would be cheating.”
My Two Cents:
Apart from the ‘being official’ label, this stage is also about setting (and meeting) bigger romantic milestones.
This can include saying ‘I love you,’ meeting family and friends, and becoming emotionally intimate with them. Of course, this stage can also entail getting physically intimate.
Even with the growing flexibility of social norms around romantic relationships, this particular stage has managed to stay consistent. Casual dating, relationship anarchy, and polyamory are relatively more visible and widely discussed – especially in comparison to a decade ago.
Having said that, most participants in the study did mention that exclusivity at this stage was a distinctive marker.
Moreover, one thing is clear: even with expanding options, people are still into a clear, unambiguous expression of commitment. This is most probably due to the consistency and stability associated with this stage.
In this context, I want to highlight one thing – this stage is not necessarily marking the death of romantic exploration. Rather, it goes on to introduce a sense of expectation and structure – it sets the ball rolling, guiding people through everything that is about to come.
Stage Four: Commitment (Or Not?)
For participants, the fourth stage of dating is all about decision-making – and I couldn’t agree less. Namely, this stage is about making choices and deciding on major commitment-defining milestones.
It can include moving in, getting engaged, or even getting married. Also, you can decide not to commit and end the relationship.
In this context, one participant encompassed this sentiment perfectly: “No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. The goal is to find someone whose flaws you can love or at least tolerate without excess frustration. After being together for a while, it is impossible to keep up a 350% perfect act. You can either accept your partner for who they are or realize you need to break up. You see them for who they are and either still love it or start to hate it.”
My Two Cents:
According to Ogolsky and his team, this stage is not really a continuation of the other stages – it’s more of a crossroad.
By this stage, the facade lifts. You already know where your values match with those of your partner, how they handle stress, or whether they will make long-term sacrifices for you (or the relationship).
Moreover, this stage is not about falling in love or expressing the same. Rather, it’s more about whether both of you will be able to sustain the relationship – can you both continue to love each other, or not?
So, whether it’s living together, getting engaged, or even marriage, the need of the hour is to ‘decide.’
While society might have evolved in the past decade and has significantly changed how commitment looks, the need to build a future together still remains. The best part? You can always consciously choose to walk away if it’s not the future you want.
