The no-contact rule is often sold as a way to get your ex back. But that’s not why I used it – and not why it worked.

I dated a guy for 8 months. And towards the end of it, things turned so bad that ending the relationship was my only option.

After the breakup, he wanted to stay in touch, and I was fine with it initially.

But soon I realized he was a toxic man who had no space in my life. So, I decided to implement the no-contact rule and ensure we never interact again.

It’s been more than 7 years since then, and I’ve never looked back or even paused to regret for a second.  

For me, no contact worked. But does this rule really work in all cases? This blog is for people who want clarity and emotional stability – not manipulation. Let’s find out how to make this rule work.

Stay tuned!

What Is The No Contact Rule?

Once you apply the no-contact rule, you will have to cut off contact with an ex after the breakup.

By extension, this means you will not interact with the ex in any way – no calls or messages.

Also, you cannot keep tabs on their activities through social media and mutual contacts. Typically, this phase lasts between three weeks and six months.

In certain cases, this phase can go on indefinitely if you want to permanently move on from the ex.

Having said that, it is crucial to point out that this rule isn’t really a magical solution to get your ex back, deal with heartbreak, or remove someone toxic from your personal life.

Instead, it’s more about letting someone go because it hurts too much – and in the process heal.

Moreover, this phase is also accompanied by social support, self-love, and self-care.

If you do it correctly, then you can heal after a breakup, stop getting anxious, and grow as an individual.

More importantly, once you stop interacting with an ex, you will be able to break an unhealthy relationship pattern.

Why Should You Consider The No Contact Rule For An Ex?

Helen Fisher (researcher) and her team used various MRI scans to uncover a surprising revelation.

The impact of a breakup or rejection on the human brain is similar to that of an addict experiencing withdrawal.

So, your brain starts perceiving your ex as an addictive drug.

That way, once you cut off contact with the ex, your brain starts suffering from withdrawal. For many people, this approach is perfect for dealing with any addiction, including a toxic ex.

In essence, going no contact after a breakup means:

A) No calls.

B) No messages. This includes group chats and social media DMs.

C) No contact through mutual friends and acquaintances.

D) No meeting. This includes going to their house or running into them somewhere outside.

E) No social media posts. This includes Instagram and WhatsApp stories.

So, you basically have to go cold turkey on your ex, A.K.A the addictive person.

And by cutting off all contact, you cannot have him in your life in any way – not even in a small, friendly way. This is because that is all you will need to fall back into the same toxic patterns.

Remember, Carrie and Mr Big? They went back and forth for nearly ten years before the man could commit. Carrie was addicted to him, and she was unable to get him out of her life.

And without the no contact rule, we are no different!

Also, this phase will make you realize that you can actually live without your ex. As a result, this is great for anyone who wants to permanently move on.

Do You Want To Get Back Together?

For people who might want to get back in a relationship with their ex, it doesn’t make sense to cut off contact entirely.

Well, before you go down that road, take a few steps back and think it through.

With the help of the no-contact rule, you will realize that it is not about getting your ex back. Rather, it is about returning to a healthy, respectful relationship.

I mean, think about it. You guys broke up because something was wrong fundamentally.

But if you continue to interact with your former partner, both of you will end up repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns.

And the biggest problem in this context? The vicious on/off cycle.

Moreover, there are several studies available online that show how such relationships cause emotional distress in both partners over time.

But when you choose to do no-contact instead, you end up breaking a toxic pattern, while creating a space for growth and change. And not just for you – but for both.

The best part? If you guys find your way back to each other after healing from the no-contact phase, then the relationship will be stronger and better.

Should I Consider The No Contact Rule For My Situation?

No-contact can often feel extreme. As a result, it is only natural to hesitate before going cold turkey on your ex.

However, in most cases, it becomes crucial to implement once the relationship ends. If you ask me, I think no-contact is vital to becoming stronger, especially if you want to get back together.

Additionally, if you want a permanent end, even then, the no contact rule is an effective tool for healing.

Also, if you are not sure about whether you guys can do it all over again, then implementing no-contact can give you clarity on what you really want.

So, how would you know whether you should consider this rule? I have tried to come up with all the possible settings where going no-contact is a necessity.

A) If there is a strong urge to stay in touch with your former partner.

B) If you are trying desperately to maintain a friendship with your ex.

C) If the primary thought of not being in touch with your ex makes you anxious.

D) If there is plenty of anger, grudges, and regret between the two of you.

E) If the two of you are arguing constantly about everything that led to the breakup.

F) If you are doing your best to hold onto the ex, but they aren’t doing anything to maintain a friendship with you.

G) If you feel overwhelmed and exhausted every time you talk to them, and feel self-critical about the events that led to the breakup.

How To Start No-Contact?

Depending on the situation, you can implement the no contact rule with either of these methods:

1. Go Cold Turkey:

Just stop contacting your ex – and do it without informing them beforehand about your decision. Moreover, ensure you cut off contact with them via social media if necessary.

They might get somewhat confused about why you stopped talking and end up reaching out. Now, if they contact you, then it’s best to ignore them.

Also, you can let them know about your decision, but only if they reach out. This is a good solution if you are feeling desperate and needy after a breakup.

2. Choose Transparency Over Confusion:

Instead of going cold turkey, you can also contact your ex and communicate that you need some time and space before both of you talk again.

Moreover, you can just drop him a text or email to inform – for me, this is a reasonable way of starting no-contact. I’ll tell you why.

This sort of approach does not leave any space for confusion between the two of you. Also, it is a way of keeping the door open for communication in the future.

What To Say To Your Ex When Starting No Contact?

So, here’s an example of what you can say to your ex:

“Hi, I know we decided to be friends and stay in touch. But frankly speaking, it’s been hard – I haven’t really been doing well.

And I think staying in touch is not a good idea, at least until we both can heal. I am completely sure I need some time and space for myself – that way, I’ll get some clarity and perspective on what happened.

So, it is important that you understand and support my decision. I won’t be able to speak to you for some time. Once I feel better, maybe we can talk again. Till then, take care.”

Love,

(Your Name)

What To Do If Your Ex Contacts You During The No-Contact Phase?

While it entirely depends on the situation, there are only a few things that you can generally do. For instance, you can respond because you can’t resist the urge. Also, you can ignore your ex if they contact you during the no contact period.

Apart from that, the advice that always works is to be somewhat courteous. Oh, and don’t forget to keep the conversation short, especially if you have no plans of staying in touch.

Regardless of how you respond, it is also crucial to understand that you will feel many things at once when your ex contacts you.

And usually, most people end up caving in because they do want to hear their exes out.

On that note, here’s my advice for anyone who wants to get back together with their ex after a period of no-contact:

1. Be Cool:

Be cool and avoid being needy! I mean, the point is to ensure your ex can see that you are happy. More importantly, you are happy without them in your life.

So, while communicating with your ex, don’t appear to be needy or desperate. You will not feel good later.

2. Be Honest About Your Feelings:

It is good to be honest about how you feel towards them even after cutting off contact. But while being honest is great, being desperate is not!

So, there’s no need to beg them. I’ll give you an example. You can tell them, “I still like you.” But you can’t say, “I still like you. Can’t we get back together?”

3. Match Your Ex’s Vulnerability Level:

It is perfectly alright to match your ex’s level of vulnerability, but do not go beyond it! I’ll give you an example.

So, if your ex tells you, “I still have feelings for you,” then you can say, “I have feelings for you too.” But don’t end up saying, “I still have feelings for you too. I can’t live without you.”

4. Accept (And Acknowledge) The Situation’s Reality:

You can choose to add some reality to the situation while interacting with your ex. This is especially true if you are already matching their level of vulnerability.

For instance, if your ex tells you, “I still have feelings for you,” then it is fine to say, “I still have feelings for you too. But has anything changed? Not really.”

So, your response clearly implies that you have broken up with your ex for a reason. And if that reason still exists, then you must address it.

But while having a realistic conversation, don’t taunt or become sarcastic. I mean, if you have any doubts about talking to your ex, then don’t do it at all.

5. Keep The Conversation Short:

As I was saying in the beginning, keep the conversation short.

So, if you are fine with not setting boundaries, you can keep the conversation short. For example, you can limit it to five to ten minutes, or a 15-text message thread.

Once you reach the limit, you can tell your former partner that it was nice talking to them, but you have to leave now.

6. Set Boundaries (If Needed):

If the conversation overwhelms or disrespects you, then you can set boundaries.

Applying the no contact rule is all about your growth – and more importantly, your healing.

Moreover, your ex getting in touch with you might appear to be innocent. But honestly, it is selfish. Also, it hardly ever leads to anything good or meaningful.

My Two Cents: Be Cautious Of Breadcrumbing

Also, it is crucial to point out that in certain cases, a former partner does something toxic – known as breadcrumbing.

This toxic pattern is all about exes who reach out occasionally through casual texts, DMs, or likes.

Remember, this ex doesn’t want a relationship. Instead, they just want to hook you emotionally.

Moreover, it is a manipulative way of getting validated and attention without offering any closure or commitment.

You are just a backup for them, and to be honest, that’s bad for your mental health.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Check out the most frequently asked questions about the no contact rule:

How To Break The No-Contact Rule?

Let’s assume that you haven’t contacted your ex for a month. You have finally healed emotionally, and you think you are ready to talk.

It is possible that you have felt a strong need to get back together.

Maybe there are things that you need to tell them. Or, maybe you are sure that both of you made mistakes that will not happen again.

If you have really given this a thought, then it is fine to end this phase and just reach out.

Essentially, you can drop them a message and tell them how you have been feeling, or how you have worked on yourself. Whatever you do, ensure that you are honest.

If your goal is healing, then ignore your ex, even if they try contacting you. However, if your goal is reconciliation, then proceed with extreme caution.

Remember, the no-contact rule does not bring people back. It brings you back to yourself.