I have always been lonely. And after 29 years of loneliness, I am very protective of my grief. I have stayed inside my rooms, crying and grieving every little thing that had caused my sensitive heart pain.

Occasionally, I have texted another woman about it, and we have trauma-bonded over two beers, trying to move on. Only recently, my friend had an unfortunate divorce – and you know the first thing she did? Called me for a drink.

While I am comfortable being lonely, there are times when friendships have saved me – and let me be specific, female friendships. And I thought that loneliness is universal.

I am honestly shocked to see so many men coming forward to talk about being lonely, and internalized misogyny makes me question: am I supposed to solve my man’s loneliness? Let’s find out in this disgustingly long blog on the male loneliness epidemic.

The Male Loneliness Epidemic: What Is It All About?

As per a recent survey by Pew, 16% of men said they were lonely most of the time. The key causes in this case include the relative scarcity of friendships among men compared to women.

Considering that men are generally encouraged to be strong rather than vulnerable, it can be difficult for them to express emotions and have meaningful interactions with others. And this includes their romantic partners.

This doesn’t end here. Apparently, there’s the misogynistic and addictive manosphere that targets young men and boys, in a world where conventional gender roles and masculinity are contested regularly.

Plus, many boys and young men are actively seeking purpose in an evolving society where women are constantly excelling and outpacing them – both at school and work.

Having said that, it is not fair to use gender as a parameter for determining loneliness. And I have evidence. According to a 2020 survey of adults from 237 countries, it was discovered that culture, gender, and age interacted to predict loneliness.

In addition, male loneliness isn’t exactly new. Rather, the sharp increase in suicide rates in men as compared to women has made this front-page news.

Again, I can support this fact with data. In a study published in 2009, suicide rates among young adults aged between 15 and 24 in 15 different European countries were between 5.5% and 35.1% in males. In women, the rate varied between 1.3% and 8.5% only.

These findings don’t invalidate the male loneliness epidemic. Instead, they contextualize – not to mention, temper – the current frenzy by offering evidence that demonstrates that men have been lonely for a long time.

There might be different reasons, but it is definitely not their only rodeo – and they aren’t the only ones who feel this way.

Are We Gendering Loneliness?

Should we hyper-focus on a man’s loneliness so much?

Nicholas Sherwood, a college journalist, doesn’t think so, according to Psychology Today. I mean, he has an interesting perspective on it! He argued that gendering loneliness might come at a hefty cost that will affect everyone, not just boys or men.

His exact quote?

“If the public is to seriously confront the growing crisis of loneliness, it cannot—must not—frame the crisis as something exclusive to men. To do so is to allow the manosphere to take ownership of the matter and entrench culture further into a contemptuous, misogynistic fugue.”

Of course, we don’t want anyone – irrespective of gender – feeling adrift in a world that is increasingly becoming disconnected and precarious. Plus, I don’t think any of us wants this manosphere to take up much space in a cultural context.

Moreover, if a man’s loneliness isn’t really a new phenomenon, then why is it being discussed and debated everywhere around us?

Why Is The Male Loneliness Epidemic Discussed And Debated Everywhere?

I think it has plenty to do with the backlash that toxic masculinity is finally getting – especially on social media, where so many women (including me) encounter aggressive, annoying, and even violent forms of masculinity.

The whole ‘All Men’ idea is rooted in such thoughts – it almost feels like the problem is not toxic masculinity but instead all men.

In fact, I loved what Vivian Park, a journalist at the University of Michigan, told Psychology Today in this context.

Here’s the exact quote: “I think this is what underlies the sentiment that causes ‘some men are bad’ to become ‘all men are bad.’ The uncertainty makes it hard to decipher when masculinity is good and when it is bad, and misogyny is unrelenting. Women cannot simply ignore or take a break from men or their masculinity, toxic or not, when it is present in our loved ones, our family, friends, or significant others. It is tiring, exhausting.”

And frankly speaking, I agree with Vivian Park on this. It’s exhausting – it almost feels like a problem that as a woman I should ‘solve.’ It’s internalized misogyny that I need to solve this problem and be there for my man. But do I really?

Interestingly, Dean Burnett, a neuroscientist, has shed some light on this development. He spoke to Psychology Today about how human brains assume that we live in a world that abides by justice and fairness.

As a result, when we find out someone is faltering – particularly if they belong to a relatively higher status as compared to us – we tend to feel satisfied. This phenomenon has a name: Schadenfreude.

And this phenomenon may account for the obvious absence of empathy towards men ‘struggling’ with being alone.

Why The Male Loneliness Epidemic Isn’t Our Problem?

As a kid, I wanted everything that a woman is taught to do: attend college, get married, have kids, and then? Live my happily-ever-after with my man in charge. I wanted to get married at 26 and start living my fairytale life – but with my husband in the picture.

At 29, I’m still not married. I don’t want all that anymore – I’m happier dating someone and not living with them. Moreover, I am so much happier living a life where I am not constantly anticipating what a man wants and then solving it for them.

I love not babysitting a man – physically or emotionally. And I know I am not the only one.

Decentening gender roles, especially the fact that as women we are supposed to nurture the home and have kids, is on a sharp rise. In fact, as per the American Sociological Association, between 2009 and 2015, “women initiated 69 percent of all divorces, compared to 31 percent for men.”

The same study also highlights that this is true for heterosexual marriages. This is because, unlike most same sex marriages, heterosexual marriages are about making women settle down within their relationships.

The Absence Of Friendship Plays A Crucial Role In The Male Loneliness Epidemic:

In 2019, the Pew Research Center published data on how 40% of the adults in the 25 to 54 age group do not have a partner.

In contrast to data from the 90s, most of these adults are men. In the past few years, social media has been bombarded with conversations and discussions about a man’s loneliness. This is mostly about men who fail to have friendships where they cannot talk about feelings and vulnerability.

Moreover, with forces like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson on the rise, women are exhausted with babysitting their partners.

It’s not like women are not looking for love – they want love. But they just don’t want to be tied and stopped by men. Finally, women are starting to understand their full potential – if a man fails to add to your life, he is most likely putting some strain on it.

And women are done babysitting adults, mostly alongside their children, who do not know how to make friends, process their feelings, or even make friends.

Marriage has its origins deeply rooted as a means for survival, from a woman’s perspective.

In the absence of resources and rights to become financially free, a woman had no option except marriage. But today, things are different, and gradually it’s becoming clear that we don’t really need a man.

More than that, we are just tired. And for the first time in our lives, this isn’t our problem. And we are not going to take accountability for it.