Monkey Barring is literally the newest toxic trend ruling the dating landscape – but when I looked it up online and went through all the content on the internet, I was stumped.
I’ll tell you why.
Modern terminology makes monkey barring sound like something brand new, but the truth is, this trend has always been there! I mean, growing up, the number of times I have gotten close to a guy while being in a relationship is clear evidence – and I’m not alone.
I am sure most of us know what it means when you put it into perspective – in fact, I connected with my current partner several years ago. At the time, I was in an abusive relationship, and my then-partner was making it very difficult for me to leave.
So, with time, I started growing distant, spending more time with my current partner, and within months, I was with him. While I don’t regret one bit of it, I do think it was a toxic way to start, considering I jumped from one relationship to another.
But while it was a one-time thing for me, it’s a repetitive pattern in so many people I personally know. And I’m sure that’s true for you as well. It’s been only a few months since I started coming across this term everywhere on the internet.
After talking to several experts, fellow Redditors, and some friends, I am here to discuss this toxic dating trend in detail! In my personal blog on monkey barring, I’ll talk about:
- What is monkey barring?
- Why do we monkey-bar out of relationships?
- Why is monkey barring so toxic?
- How can you stop monkey barring?
Stay tuned.
What Is Monkey Barring?
Amie Leadingham, a relationship coach, defined monkey barring in a published blog by Cosmopolitan.
“Monkey barring is a toxic dating behavior where someone maintains their current relationship while actively seeking out and forming a love connection with someone new, with the intention of leaving their current partner for this new person.
Just like when swinging on monkey bars, they don’t let go of one relationship until they have a firm grip on the next one. They’re essentially shopping for their partner’s replacement while keeping them in the dark about it.”
Does it sound a lot like cheating? Hmm, truthfully, it does because it is possible that your former partner has monkey-barred you out of your relationship.
I remember how my former partner told all our mutual friends I had cheated on him because I was dating someone I had spent a lot of time with before the relationship had ended.
However, what counts as cheating is very subjective – it differs from person to person and relationship to relationship.
Having said that, it is also true that monkey barring from a relationship is inherently deceitful. Then why do we do it in the first place?
Why Do We Monkey-Bar Out Of Relationships?
For me, the specific reasons can typically depend on circumstances and the individual. But if you look at it broadly, this comes from a deep-seated fear of being abandoned.
In this context, Leadingham also told Cosmopolitan, “Some people monkey-bar because they struggle with codependency and use new relationships as emotional safety nets rather than dealing with the discomfort of being alone.
They become addicted to the external validation and distraction that relationships provide, relying on someone else’s attention and affection to feel stable and worthy instead of developing their own emotional regulation skills.”
Moreover, a lack of communication and some avoidance are also involved. I mean, if you are non-confrontational by nature or hate having difficult conversations, you might look at this like an escape route to freedom.
It is so much more convenient to escape than have an honest conversation about what went wrong.
In short, so many of us end up monkey-barred because we fear rejection, being alone, and being abandoned. Even if your present relationship is not working out, you will probably continue being in it in the absence of a guaranteed next option. It just feels safer than dealing with a breakup.
Of course, this is toxic, and there is no point in excusing this deceitful behavior. But I would like to mention that we are living in a world that constantly pressures people, specifically women, to avoid being single. Ending up alone is probably the worst thing that can happen to a woman, as per this cruel society!
As a result, it is vital to acknowledge that societal pressure on your relationship status acts as a catalyst for breeding such behavior.
Why Is Monkey Barring So Toxic?
Anything deceptive at its core is obviously toxic. And monkey barring is no different. Let’s again look at my example.
When I was spending time with my current partner, wasn’t I misleading my former partner? Of course, he thought I was in love and committed to the relationship. My former partner was also investing in the relationship emotionally – he has no idea that the relationship was already over inside my head.
This whole thing is manipulative and deeply hurtful. I was 20 and he was abusive – so, I don’t regret. But at its core, monkey barring is a deceptive action that makes it extremely unhealthy and toxic.
Moreover, you are not just hurting the person you are in a relationship with, but also the next guaranteed option, especially if he is not aware of your relationship status.
Yeah, while your new love interest is just a backup plan without any awareness, they are actually building a genuine relationship with someone who they ‘think’ is available. But the truth is, this love interest is just a participant in someone’s plan of deception.
Basically, this sort of behavior ends up harming everyone involved. While your current partner deserves honesty about where you guys stand, your new love interest should know they are connecting with someone who is already in a committed relationship.
Lastly, if you are monkey barring, then you are robbing yourself of an opportunity to break up ethically.
How Can You Stop Monkey Barring?
So I did it once – and I don’t think that was the right way to proceed. Years of retrospection tell me there’s a right way to do everything. Do you feel somewhat guilty, too?
Well, if you can recognize these traits in yourself, then you can put a stop to them. Yes! If you think you have a chronic habit you can’t shake off, I have four expert-approved tips to help you forge healthy relationship habits.
1. Understand Why You Even Do This:
For starters, you need to be brutally honest about why you are even doing this. Do you lack communication skills? Are you struggling with codependency issues? Does it stem from the fear of being on your own?
Acknowledging your deep-rooted issue and taking accountability for the same is the first thing you can do to create real change.
2. Learn How To Be Single:
Again, we are living in a world that puts this unnecessary pressure on people to find a partner, just for the sake of ‘not’ being alone. I mean, even being okay with your single status is more like a learned skill – and it’s one skill that is definitely worth learning.
Once you know it’s all going to be fine, even if you end up alone, you will see that you no longer need any backup options.
Moreover, the only way to learn to be single is by committing to staying single. This means you have to truly be single – you can’t be texting multiple people or keep your options open. Instead, learn how to be alone without immediately looking for someone new.
Also, this includes resisting the desire to text a former partner for external validation. And no, you can’t download dating apps (sorry!)
3. Improve Your Communication Skills:
This one literally highlights only one point – you have to improve your communication skills when it comes to having a difficult conversation!
It’s so much better to end a romantic relationship honestly and directly. If you no longer feel anything for your partner, then it’s best to be honest about it – no matter how much you are scared of telling them the truth.
Moreover, it’s the right thing to do – have uncomfortable conversations instead of taking the easy way out.
4. Do Some Inner Work:
This one’s perhaps the most important. You have to do some inner work to build your self-worth that does not depend on any kind of romantic validation. In fact, you can consider working closely with a professional expert.
It will help you figure out why you need constant security in relationships. Also, a professional can help you to develop healthy relationship patterns before you go out and date again.
So, whether you work with a professional or alone, it is vital that you get to the root of the problem – your insecurities around romantic relationships.
Once you face your fears, you will be able to break the toxic habit. And that will help you build genuine self-worth.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Check out the most frequently asked questions about monkey barring:
Some people will definitely argue that its only cheating when you cross certain boundaries – like having sex, kissing, or canoodling. Others might have a relatively low threshold as to what counts as cheating – if you are intentionally seeking someone new, then you are cheating.
Moreover, different people have different boundaries, definitions, circumstances, and agreements.
This makes cheating a dicey topic to debate on since it really depends on what you and your current partner think. So, you need to ask yourself whether you are doing something you need to hide from your current partner – and if the answer is ‘yes,’ then you are cheating.
Monkey barring can take place in multiple forms – it can range from subtle actions to something overt. The most common theme is typically that people seek a new partner intentionally. So, it could be something as simple as not revealing your relationship status.
Obviously, if you are pretending to be single, then you are keeping the door open for people to come approach you. Moreover, it’s like asking people to make a move on you. Also, if you are pursuing someone actively while being in a relationship, that counts as monkey barring, too.
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